As part of this ongoing process of cancer, I actually have to accept that I will have bad days. My bad days are not exactly horrible. It’s more a frustration with my inability to live the way I did just 7 weeks ago.
So much has happened since my diagnosis. It was only the Tuesday before Thanksgiving that I found out I might have cancer. Things have moved so quickly, and I find that it’s the little things that make me want to snarl and growl and stomp my feet.
Today, it’s about the lack of alone time. I have always needed a fair amount of alone time. And holidays tend to complicate that. Working at home was a boon for me, because I could parse out my day and keep my balance. I didn’t realize how much I relied on that until it disappeared!
Even on days when my beloved hubby is at work, there is no peace. Every day is another doctor appointment, or three. Every day is hours on the phone with doctor offices, labs, schedulers. There is no time to just sit and contemplate life, or even a quiet moment to plan a meal. It is relentless.
I am just starting to realize that the tubes and bags I have plugged into my sides will be around for a while. I tried to make it fun; coming up with ways to hide them, while wearing my regular clothes. But the novelty has worn off, and the loss of personal dignity is kind of creeping me out. I know why I need them. I am glad that the doctors put them in so fast to help me. But there are times when it makes it too real. On days like this, I can’t find a comfortable way to sit without pressing against the ports in my sides. They are achy and the protective film over them itches like crazy. I fantasize about the day when they are gone, and I can take a long, hot shower and let the water pound on my back.
I know this all sounds so petty and whiny, but I honestly don’t know how so many people do this with such grace and humor! I am hoping I can find a way to be like them! But today, I just wish it was a couple of months ago.