The first week, I was nervous and apprehensive. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had heard a lot of horror stories, and worked hard to put them out of my mind. I spent a lot of time in meditation and visualization, focusing on positive energy and a positive outlook. The first session was actually somewhat anticlimactic. The nurse was explaining the different meds to me, and the possible side effects. She meant well, but the best thing I did was tell her I would rather not read about them. I’m glad I did. Instead of being afraid, I just accepted the treatment and let it do its job.
The 2 weeks before treatment #2 became a learning curve. I found out how to adjust to any problems I had, and by the second week, I felt really good. I was pumped up, still excited to get down to business and beat this thing. I had the whole “Joan of Arc” thing going on.
That adrenaline rush stayed with me through my second infusion. I had no nausea. I never experienced any side effects from the Neulasta shots. I didn’t even feel slightly queasy until 5 days after the infusion. The seasick feeling came and went for 2 days and then it was gone.
Now, I am getting ready for my next infusion in a few days. And the thrill of battle has worn off. I no longer feel like Joan of Arc. I just feel like my new ‘normal’. Except that my mind is racing at warp speed while my body has speed limits. This creates a sensation of “What’s next” that I find both frustrating and a little scary.
I am not sure what will happen after the chemo. Everything is on hold until we see how successful we are at destroying the tumor. I may need surgery. I may not. I haven’t asked my surgeon because I don’t want to have anything to fret about. I know that I will find out when it is time to take the next step. But right now, I am in a semi-void, and it can be its own black hole!
I have a lot of mental energy, but limited physical energy. I have to be careful not to go out in crowds a lot because my immune system isn’t 100%. It is miserable and cold outside, so I am pretty much just hanging out. I could dust the furniture, but I just don’t want to. Besides, I did it 2 days ago. I’ve done all the laundry. I have shirts I could iron, but for some reason, the prospect doesn’t excite me. It’s that feeling like being all dressed up and nowhere to go.
I’m not complaining. I am glad that I feel like I could wrestle a tiger. Of course, it would have to be a small tiger, and there would have to be a three minute time limit, or it would eat me. I am glad I am able to eat regular food and not regret it. I am a lucky duck and I am grateful for all my blessings. But I kind of wish that Katy Perry would show up at my house and sing a few numbers to make the half time pass with a little excitement!
Given all my available options, I think I will go and grab my Swiffer and tackle the never ending piles of dog hair in the family room. It may not be a noble enterprise, but once I’m done I can feel like I won another battle for the day!